Just Shoot Me Now
by Uncle Charlie
Summary: Illya is concerned when he discovers that nearly all the female support staff at UNCLE are afraid of their weapons. He comes up with a clever plan to drive home the point, but things never work out as he plans. A Mouth of Babes story. My thanks to Reapermum for a great bunny


Illya Kuryakin absentmindedly rubbed his hip as he read through the top folder on his desk. A week, perhaps two of deskwork stretched out ahead of him and truth be known, he wasn't hating the idea. When he was younger, he longed for the excitement of the field. Now he wasn't as anxious to be shot at or, as it was in this instant, perform a daring-do escape only to end up with a strained muscle and bedrest.

It also didn't help that his partner was now out of the field and stuck in a Section One office. Mr. Waverly's death, while not a complete surprise, still had been a shock. Napoleon now occupied The Big Desk and that meant that he was keeping Illya closer to home.

At first, Illya had rebelled, but that was several months ago. Now, he was happier to recommend younger men, more able men, for assignments. In fact, he'd been doing a lot of thinking. However, there was still time for that. Now he had an assignment to deal with

A soft chime made him look up and a moment later his daughter walked in, or perhaps waddled was a better word. At eight and a half months pregnant, Lisle looked as if she was ready to give birth to a Volkswagen.

"Hi, Dad," she said, sinking into his guest chair.

"Oof," he grunted. Lisle had been the product of a one-night stand between Illya and his sworn enemy, Angelique. He paused at that. He didn't even know Angelique's last name. Possibly Lisle was the only good thing the woman had ever produced. Raised by THRUSH, liberated by UNCLE, Lisle now spent her time within UNCLE's cold metal walls, aiding and abetting in their fight against her former keepers.

"Are you suggesting that I look a bit uncomfortable?" She dragged a wastebasket over and propped up her feet.

"My mistake. How are you?"

"Annoyed. Why do strangers think they have the right to ask me questions that are none of their bloody business?" It was a sure sign she was tired. Otherwise, her British accent was a bit more posh. "And why do they think touching me is okay? I don't like being touched."

"What do you mean?" Illya sat forward to ease the pressure on his hip.

"People keep trying to rub my stomach." She stopped and Lisle's eyes searched his face for a moment. "More important to me, how are you?"

"Fine."

"Oi, I'm blood, you know. You don't have to put up a front for me."

"I'm sorry. I am uncomfortable, but not in any real pain." He indicated a pill bottle. "I have those for when it gets bad."

"And that will be?"

"Around noon."

"Then you can knock off early and take me to lunch, not that I can eat anything that won't give me heartburn." She looked at the stack of files, turning her head sideways to read the top folder. "What are you doing with Section Three work?"

"Since they lost their two top men, the Section is without a Number One man. His replacement is still in a coma, so Napoleon has been shuffling workloads around. Since I am between assignments, he thought it was a way to—"

"Keep you out of trouble." They looked over at the door and Napoleon was standing there.

Lisle laughed as he entered. "Is it working?"

"Not quite, but I am considering it a work in progress. Besides, it's an easy assignment."

"I am reviewing the female support staff members as to their qualifications and abilities," Illya said for Lisle's benefit.

"Just like the old days." Napoleon sighed happily. "Talk about your dream assignments."

"Very old days. This afternoon I am going to start interviewing them." Illya smiled and added. "After I take my daughter to lunch."

"Sounds like a lovely idea. I'm surprised Leon is letting you out of his sight." Leon was Napoleon's surprise bundle. Serena had kept the child hidden from Napoleon until she died and then Leon came to seek him out. At first attached to the CIA, he easily made the transition to UNCLE. Now he worked in Section Three, slowly making his way up the ladder.

"Please, don't even get me started, Pop. Since the wedding, it's as if we are attached at the hip. I love him and I'm all about togetherness, but -" The two had married in a civic ceremony just a few weeks earlier.

"You are your father's daughter."

"Yes. He thinks I'm at home resting."

"Consider your secret safe with me, then." Napoleon bent over the woman and kissed her forehead. "And how is your cargo? Ready to off load?"

"You make me sounds like a freighter and in a word, yes." She grinned and took Napoleon's hand to set it on her stomach.

"Wow." The word was half whispered. "I can feel him moving."

She looked at Illya. "It's like having a kangaroo in here. He or she is really anxious to get a room of their own."

"My mother tells me I was a particularly active child as well and I turned out fine," Illya said, watching his former partner's face and smiling at the look of awe on his face.

"But it explains why she has that twitch," Napoleon added and headed for the door. "Let me know how those interviews go."

QQQQ

"Hi, I'm Annie Faye Beakins and I'm in filing."

"Hello, I'm Margaret Fensterwald and I'm in the secretarial pool."

"Wow, this is cool. I'm Meredith from Accounting. Is it true you once tackled a THRUSH stronghold on your own?"

"I'm a little nervous. I mean, that's not my name or anything. Dang, it, can I start over?"

All afternoon a steady parade of women had marched in and out of the conference room and Illya was about to go cross eyed from all the perfume and estrogen. Even thought he was older, apparently he was still, as Leon put it, a chick magnet. If they only knew…

"Can you shoot?" He already knew the answer to the question and he was getting a little tired and angry at the same response over and over. "Yes, but I haven't in years… Do I have to…? Is that going to be part…?"

He watched his latest interview leave and shook his head. The door opened and Lisa Rogers entered. She'd been Mr. Waverly's secretary and bodyguard. Now she fulfilled much of the same function for Napoleon and for that Illya was grateful.

"I thought you might be ready for some coffee."

"Thank you, Lisa. You are an Angel of Mercy." He had long since looked upon Lisa more as a fellow agent and less as a secretary. "May I ask you something?"

"Of course." She was busy setting up a cup and pouring coffee into it.

"Can you shoot?"

"Of course. I mean, I probably am not as much of a sure shot as you, but I go down to the range on a regular basis. I consider it part of my job function. Why do you ask?"

"I've been talking to our female support staff this afternoon and without exception, they admit that they can't and yet all of them have a PPK tucked into their holsters or a purse or both." He took the cup and sipped, eyes closed in pleasure. "This is pure paradise, Lisa, thank you."

"It's your fault, you know."

"That I consider your coffee next to the Gods' nectar?"

"That the women can't shoot. They come in and go through the class. They qualify… barely in most cases and a majority of them are terrified of their own weapon. Yet they are given one to carry. Then one of your Section Two boys pats them on the head and says, "There, there, dear. Don't you worry your pretty head, sweetheart. You don't have to use it. I'll protect your from the big scary THRUSH," and the women forget everything they've learned." She refilled his cup. "I know they are just trying to help, but they aren't. The women conveniently forget their training. I'm sure Section Three is just as bad."

"But the women agents..."

"They're even worse. They have this more-capable-than-thou attitude and blow the rest of us off."

Illya shook his head and pursed his lips. "I wonder."

When it became apparently that he wasn't going to say anything, Lisa prompted, "What's wrong?"

"Lisa, if we were to have a little exercise, would you be willing to take the lead?"

"Of course, but what are you planning?"

"I'm not sure. Would you let Napoleon know that I need about ten minutes of his time later this afternoon?"

"Consider it done." Lisa had a delighted smile on her face. "I'm totally on board."

"Excellent."

QQQQ

"You want to do what?" Napoleon face was a mixture of disbelief and amusement.

"Stage an invasion of HQ."

"While locking all the Section Two and Three agents in their offices?"

"Yes."

"It's not that simple."

"Napoleon, more than three quarters of the women in the building carry a weapon that they don't know how to use. It's become an epidemic. In some cases, they are our first line of defense and they are more of a danger to themselves than our enemies. It isn't going to help us to have them thrown steno pads and White Out at THRUSH."

"But…"

"I need to prove to them, and to some of our own, that it is imperative that all our women know how to use their weapons, properly and without fear."

"And how are we going to get our hands on the pistols beforehand to replace their bullets with sleepers? I don't welcome the thought of them killing someone or each other during the assault."

"That's easy. I need to check the serial numbers of every weapon currently being carried and I can replace the bullets as necessary."

"You are going to need help."

"I'll get Leon to help me. He'll be happy to have the assignment just to be with Lisle."

"She'll strangle you if she finds out."

"It wouldn't be the first time I've had a woman at my throat. Her mother, in fact…"

Napoleon steepled his fingers and was quiet for a moment. "This is that important?"

"It is."

"Then consider it done. Tell me what you need me to do."

QQQQ

Illya glanced at his watch and then at the Canteen clock. It was running a minute fast. He's have to talk to maintenance about that. He let his attention wander around the room. No one would think it anything about it. He was Section Two, after all, and they had the reputation of always being 'on' even when in safe surroundings.

It has taken some pretty fancy footwork on both his and Napoleon's parts to get all the necessary scheduling rearranged. Lisa had gone above and beyond with her efforts and Leon had worked tirelessly at the security settings. Now, only Napoleon, Leon, Lisa and he knew the unlock codes.

When the klaxon went off, Illya kept his smirk hidden. Everything was in motion now. He only hoped Lisa could handle it.

QQQQ

Lisle was sitting in the atrium when the alarms went off. So much for her quiet time. This was one of the few places she could go for a bit of peace and quiet. She loved the soft bubble of the small brook that meandered through the banks of vegetation and the musty smell of the plants. She liked the large metal chairs and the sense of peace the room generated. Mostly she loved the fact that many UNCLE employees ignored the room. It was one of the few places she could go to escape the questions.

It wasn't that she didn't have questions of her own, but the biggest one that haunted her was what sort of mother she would be. She loved kids, something her own mother couldn't claim. Yet there was more to having kids than just loving them. Her own mother packed her off to nannies and boarding school, showing little if any interest in Lisle's upbringing or accomplishments. Even so, Lisle managed to squeeze out a tear or two when the reports came back that Angelique had been killed.

Finally free of that burden, it had taken Lisle very little time to track down her father and even less time to agree to leave THRUSH. It had been tricky, but she didn't regret a moment of it. After all, not only did she find a father who eagerly and happily embraced her, she'd found her big goofball of a husband. It wasn't that Leon was gifted and just as capable as she was, she just preferred his gentler and at times silly side.

Hefting herself out of the chair, she walked to the door. This was in an older part of HQ and the humidity had played havoc with the electronic doors until they were finally taken out and a regular door was put in. Walking into the corridor, she drew her PPK and moved cautiously towards an elevator bank. She knew in an emergency, they automatically shut down, so she jumped an elevator door opened and Lisa came out.

Lisle's gun was up and aimed before she had a second thought. "Oh, it's you." Lisle lowered it. "What's going on?"

There was conflict in the woman's eyes. "We're being attacked and all the men are gone. It's just up to us."

"What? I know Dad and Leon are here. And Pop…"

"I can't fully explain it right now. We're in the middle of a training exercise for the women support staff. Whatever you do, don't shoot anyone, okay?"

"Okay." She thought for a minute, then offered Lisa her weapon. "You better take this, then. Hormonal pregnant women shouldn't be armed. Trust me on that one."

Upstairs, it was chaos and Lisle admired how Lisa managed to organize the women. Then she saw him – a face from her past.

"Lisa, who are our attackers, really?" she whispered.

"Some field office agents."

"Everyone properly vetted, though?"

"Of course, why?"

"That guy over there." She tossed her head casually as if working out a crick. "I know him. He's THRUSH."

"Are you certain?"

"I am. If he's here, it's not good and he's not alone."

"You mean, this is real?"

"I think so. But we are armed."

"Sleepers only."

"They don't know that." Lisle bit her bottom lip. "Spread the word. Aim for their head. Shoot fast and mean it. If nothing else, at least that will put everyone to sleep and we can sort out the good from the bad after that. "

"What are you going to do?"

"What I was trained to do." She ran a hand over her stomach. "Protect and preserve."

QQQQ

It sounded good on paper, but Lisle wasn't sure. Still, the only way was a frontal approach and these days, she had a lot of front.

"Hello, Lisle." The man spoke directly to her. "We've missed you." He looked at her stomach. "Been up to no good?"

"UNCLE's been holding me here against my will. It's some weird breeding program they have engineered." It sound stupid even to her, but many THRUSH agents weren't exactly brain trusts.

"Doesn't sound much like UNCLE."

"That's why it's been so perfect. No one suspect them of genetic engineering."

"How did you get free?"

"When the alarms went off, I managed to overpower my keeper. Take me with you."

"I don't know."

"I'm carrying Alexander Waverly's child." _Forgive me, Leon._

"What the hell? He's been dead for years."

"He is but his child lives. Imagine Alexander Waverly's brains running THRUSH."

"Good idea, but I tell you what. How about I take the kid and leave you here." He pulled a large knife.

Lisle reached for her weapon and her fingers brushed the empty holster. "Not a good idea." She lifted her fist.

"What? Is the preggo gonna punch me?"

Her first punch sent him staggering back a few feet and he flourished the knife, aiming for her stomach and growled. "Now you both die..."

At the sound of the gunshot, Lisle flinched, turning to protect her stomach, but it was the man who crumbled. Behind him was Lisa, holding Lisle's gun.

"Nice timing." Lisle was suddenly aware of a burst of warm fluid and she made a face.

"I 'm just glad you had real bullets." Lisa didn't see it as she bent to examine the fallen man.

"I don't. I thought it was a little weird this morning when I checked my weapon and they had been replaced by sleepers, but I figured it was for a reason. Those things really take effect quickly." She winced at the cramp and took a deep breath. "If you'll excuse, I'm just going to crawl my way down to Medical now."

"Why? Did he hurt you?" Lisa was a sudden flurry of activity. "I don't see any blood…"

"No, but my water just burst. I think it's show time."

QQQQ

"I can't believe that she insisted the exercise be completed before telling us." Illya was leaning back in his chair, his expression clouded with concern.

"When Lisa explained to her what was going on, she insisted. She's quite something else, my friend." Napoleon paused in his pacing and sat down beside Illya.

"She is."

"I was talking about Lisa."

"So was I. No one needs to tell me that my daughter is singular in nature. Now we have clearly illustrated the need to bring everyone's level of expertise up to the benchmark. Lisa has already started to organize shooting groups. I felt that a woman's touch would be beneficial at a time like this. At the same time, I have begun to address the issue with both Section Two and Section Three."

"I've been meaning to talk to you about that." Napoleon took a deep breath. "How many times we've sat side-by-side awaiting an outcome."

"I don't understand. Lisle is strong and healthy. She followed the doctors' orders to the letter and I have been assured that women have been doing this for years without incident."

"That's not what I mean, my friend."

"Then what?"

"I need to ask you to do something very difficult."

"You can ask anything of me, Napoleon. Surely you know that by now."

"I need you to resign from Section Two."

"Except possibly that. Why?"

"Do you want the obvious why or the more convoluted reason?"

"My hip?"

"You picked the obvious one. Yes. I've read your medical reports and I'm not stupid, Illya. This is taking more of a toll on you that you are willing to admit. The pigheadedness that makes you a great agent is now working against you. It's going to get you hurt or, worse, killed. You're well past the mandatory retirement age for a field agent."

"You want me to leave UNCLE."

"No, I want you to leave Section Two… sort of." Napoleon took another deep breath and let it out slowly. "We lost Kenny this morning."

"Kenny?"

"McCall, our number two in Section Three. With them both gone… I need a Section Three head and I want someone who understands how Section Two works and get these two sections to work more seamlessly together. There has always been an 'us vs. them' mentally between the two. You could bridge that gap."

"What about Leon?"

"While I love him and he's good, there is no way I could do that with a clear conscience. He still has so much to learn about UNCLE. Maybe one day, but he's just not ready for that sort of responsibility and I'm not ready for the screams of nepotism."

"Yet you would put me into the hot seat instead."

"Difference is you can take the heat and come out on top. Any agent worth his salt knows that and respects you. Please, Illya? For old times' sake? Just until we can get someone to take over. "

Illya made a face. "When could I refuse you anything, Napoleon?"

"Then you accept?"

Just then the door opened and a beaming Leon stepped out. "Hey, you two. Come and say hello to your new grandson."

A nurse appeared and Napoleon stepped forward. When Illya frowned at him, Napoleon said smugly. "Senior agent by two years." She handed a blanket wrapped bundle to Napoleon and pulled the material back to reveal a tiny face.

"He's so small," Napoleon murmured.

"Lisle would argue the point." Leon shook his head. "What a grip she has and I think she made the doctors blush a couple of times. Of course, they are still in a state of shock from having to deliver a baby. That's not something they are used to handling every day."

Illya grinned as Napoleon passed the baby over. "Hello, little one. Welcome to the world." To Leon, he asked, "Have you decided upon a name?"

"Well, in between the cursing and the yelling, we talked. Lisle was telling me about the exercise and she told one of the invading THRUSH that she was carrying Alexander Waverly's child. How they got wind of this training exercise is beyond me. I suppose it's a challenge for another day, though."

"That's a stretch." Napoleon made a face.

"The things you do for love. Anyhow, if it's okay with you two, we'd like to call him Alexander. I mean, if it hadn't been for him, you two would have never met up and there never would have been an us, so…"

"I think that's the perfect name." Napoleon stroked the baby's face gently. "So Alexander…?"

"Alexander Illyavich Solo."

"That's a mouthful." Napoleon muttered, grimacing.

"But a good mouthful." Illya passed the baby back and sighed. "It will be good to be part of his life, since I have managed to live long enough for that."

Napoleon looked at his partner hopefully. "Do I take it you're saying yes?"

"Someone needs to be around to make sure you don't go off the deep end, Napoleon."

"What are you two talking about?" Leon handed the baby back to the nurse as he started to fuss.

"Say hello to your new boss, Leon. Illya's going to be handling Section Three for a while. It will be nice to have someone in charge of that department who also understands how Section Two works," Napoleon said, his arm around Illya's neck.

"Great!" Leon laughed and slapped Illya on the back. "So, do you think I can have the weekend off?"

"You really are your father's son. We'll talk… later. Now I want to go congratulate my daughter on an excellent mission."

"Mission You mean having Alex?" Leon seemed a bit confused.

"I mean the way both she and Lisa handled this affair. She took on THRUSH and still managed to have a baby. That's my girl."

Leon grinned, "You mean, my girl."

Napoleon chuckled and draped an arm around his son's shoulders. "Quit while you are ahead, Leon, my boy. I know this guy and you'll never win." And, laughing, the three left to start the next chapter of their lives.


End file.
